I had a plan to exponentially grow the ministry I was running, and I was excited and hopeful. It was discerned out of real time in prayer and had the blessing of my pastor. The plan involved something we had never done before - fundraising millions. So my pastor and I went to talk to the bishop, a good man we both had a good relationship with. He shot the plan down by the end of the meeting. Not because he didn't like it, but because he had a concern about competing for dollars he was after for a capital campaign. I told him I would fundraise outside the diocese. He said no. I told him this was how we were going to grow. He said wait four years until the campaign is over.

That is when cynicism started to set in for me.

When I speak of cynicism here, I'm not talking about the Greek philosophy of the dogged pursuit of virtue. I'm talking about the modern version - the deep distrust in the intentions of others, especially leaders. When I became aware that I had let my hope and faith slip into cynicism, I knew I was in for a new kind of spiritual battle.

Jesus, help my cynicism.

SIGNS OF CYNICISM

I am not alone. I have watched many Catholics, especially those who work in ministry, fall into the same trap. How can I trust our leaders, knowing they are sinners? Some are hypocrites. Some are bad leaders. Look at the scandals they have caused. They can't be trusted.

For some, it shows itself in the online criticism of "the bishops" or other leaders that think differently than we do or act poorly. You see, the cynic has diagnosed something correctly - we are all sinners in need of a savior. But the treatment plan after the diagnosis is generally the bigger issue. Cynicism is an attempt to protect ourselves by holding back something from others and eventually from God. To shield ourselves from deeper disappointment in human failures, we close in on ourselves and hold back giving hope and faith - so we won't be hurt or disappointed again.

I get it. I have had friends and leaders betray me, seen too many scandalous acts, seen folks hide addictions until they tore relationships apart, and act in ways I would never have imagined from people I knew, liked, and trusted. Sin hurts others. The sins of others have hurt me (as mine have hurt others). But cynicism is not the answer. It just compounds the problems.

Cynicism makes us stop trying. 

It settles for mediocrity instead of casting a vision of fruitfulness. 

It refuses to take risks because it has given in to fears. 

It tells the critic to keep criticizing. It looks for punishment of the sinner rather than mercy. 

It hides behind "being realistic" about humanity. 

It means we go through the motions rather than living a deep interior life with Jesus.

Cynicism is the crucified Christ who never rises from the grave. It stays on Calvary.

Cynicism was the end of Judas.

Think about that. Judas was one of the Twelve. He had spent three years with Jesus. He had seen the miracles. He had heard the Sermon on the Mount. And at the end, he could not believe Jesus was actually going to win. So he tried to force the outcome. And when his scheme collapsed, he could not believe he was still loved enough to be forgiven. That is what cynicism does. It convinces you that God cannot possibly do anything with the mess in front of you, so either you check out, or you try to force outcomes through your own scheming. Either path ends the same way. Ultimately, the enemy loves our cynicism and God does not.

Compare Judas' reaction to Peter. Same betrayal. Same failure. Worse, in some ways - Peter denied Jesus three times & was the leader of the 12. But Peter let Jesus love him anyway. He sat on the shore of Galilee and let the question land. Do you love me? And then he heard it. Feed my sheep.

Two disciples. Same failure. Two endings. The difference is hope vs cynicism.

That is the part the cynic has forgotten. Hope is not a mood. It is a theological virtue, given to us in baptism, sustained by the sacraments. Cynicism is what despair calcifies into when we stop fighting for hope. It feels like wisdom. It is actually the slow death of a disciple.

JESUS AND THE CYNIC 

Before we reflect on ourselves, let's reflect on Jesus. If anyone could have been a cynic, wouldn't it be the perfect human? The one who never sinned should rightly be able to tell us just how sinful we all are and why we can't be trusted. But he didn't do that. He gave us the Gospel - Good News - to overcome our cynicism. Our hope and our faith are not found in human nature. They are found in God alone. He is our Gospel. Jesus, himself, is our Good News.

Death has been conquered. Sin has no more power over us. Heaven is our destiny.

So what about you and me?

When I realized I had become too cynical, I had to do something about it. I started to focus on the good things. I started to tone down my public criticism of leaders. I offered my wounds to Jesus and let him start to heal me. I talked about it with my spiritual director, who pointed me back to Jesus' mercy toward sinners. That started a process. I found my hope again. I found deeper faith.

The result of me casting off some of my cynicism was the launch of Catholic Missionary Disciples - this apostolate. If I had stayed cynical, I would probably be out of ministry. My prayer life would still be a shadow of what it is now. I wouldn't be writing this blog. I wouldn't have walked alongside the leaders and parishes God has put in front of me. 

Everything CMD has been able to do - every CMD Cohort, every CMD Circle, every leader, parish, and diocese God has touched through this work - exists on the other side of a decision not to stay cynical. That decision wasn't dramatic. It happened in prayer, in conversation, in the Sacrament of Confession, over months. But it changed the course of my ministry and my life.

The cynic has something right. We are all sinners. But Jesus loves the sinners, and we are called to do the same. Cynics care. They are the former go-getters who let the failures, wounds, or rejections turn their good desire and care into bitter distance. Now it is time to let Jesus heal us again.

WHAT TO DO
If you have fallen into cynicism, here are a few things I would recommend as someone who suffers from the same tendency.

First, pray more honestly with God - and then expect him to answer you. Increase your time in prayer and listen more. Think of King David, a cynic himself in many ways. Just look at how much he complains about others in the Psalms. When he let God lead, he found his faith and hope again. He started to become a better husband, father, and king. When he started to heal from his cynicism, the Psalms turned to worship. God showed up, and David was a new man.

Second, find someone to talk to about your cynicism. A trusted friend who is more hopeful than you are. A good confessor. A spiritual director. Whoever it is, do not keep it to yourself. Notice that Peter's despair wasn't fully overcome until he talked to the resurrected Jesus on the shore of Galilee and admitted not only that he loved Jesus but that Jesus still loved him. Cynicism dies in honest conversation with someone who can hold both your wounds and your hope.

Third, do things that oppose your cynical nature. When you want to complain, don't. When you start to type out a cynical response to a social media post, delete it. When you find yourself monologuing about all the Church's problems with friends, apologize and make yourself say something positive. Virtue is worth fighting for. Vice is worth fighting against.

A final word, especially for Catholic leaders. Cynicism is the single biggest enemy of renewal work in the Church right now. It picks off leaders quietly. It does not announce itself. And isolation feeds it - when you are the only one fighting it, you usually lose.

This is one of the things Catholic Missionary Disciples exists to fight. After participating in one of our coaching programs, one priest recently told me, "Personally, I have experienced a renewed my sense of purpose around prayer, decision making, and my confidence to speak about Jesus Christ." CMD Cohorts and CMD Circles are not just training programs. They form community with other serious Catholic leaders who are choosing hope over cynicism, fruitfulness over mediocrity, and discernment over despair. If you are a leader who has felt cynicism setting in - and you do not want it to win - that is exactly the company you need. If these aren’t the right fit for you, then do SOMETHING to to chase renewal. CMD isn’t the answer for everyone, but there is an answer out there for you and there are a lot of other great apostolates ready to help you. Luckily, in the Catholic renewal space, we generally collaborate and don’t compete, because there is too much work and too few doing it. Yet, if you feel compelled to do so - reach out to us.

Why despair? Why let negativity about humanity settle in? Where is our faith and hope?

Jesus, save us. Jesus, save me again.

"A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." -Ezekiel 36:26